Who cares
Mood:  not sure
I just feel so tired of even trying, it's not like I have ever gotten anywhere. Stuck... thinking positive always and still in the same boat about much of the same things. If I can get a job, home, money, marriage. It's all the same give or take friends and drinking. I feel like oh something bigger and better is going to happen and then nothing...ever...my whole life. What am I waiting for? Hard to just live in this world and accept this is all there is. Nothing big about to happen, another day of doing nothing that is really to important. What winning the lotto will make life more fun? No I guess not. I need to just get off this "something amazing" thing is going to happen then I will be complete. What is that feeling of complete? Does anyone ever really feel that way anyway? Like "IT" is just out of reach, that ideal or plan or I don't even know what "IT" is I am fighting towards anymore.
I wonder when "MY" time will come. My last lesson, will I be young or will I be old? How old will my children be? Do other people know when its there time to go is? I am just fighting for thought that aren't even real, I need to just stop this and except this is life and nothing will change it. No matter what I tell my brain to think. Being hopeful hasn't done anything but made me live in a life that isn't even real.

The More I Look The More I Find
Mood:  bright
Now Playing: The Star of the show
Topic: Finger Hunt
The more I look the more I find. Saying this, means what I have found "wants" money. To write? I am not sure how all this works and why I have to give money to write. I am going on a guess here but anything I have to pay for to get paid isn't something I am wanting to go with. Why pay? Is it just me no, nothing in life is free which is just life but to get a job I don't think I should have to pay anyone I should be getting the check in my name for doing great work. I am not surprised that these are the ones that I am finding with only looking for a week or so.
I read something about sending around $40 and you can make $20,000 for writing just a couple letters. Um, I don't understand then how can I make money by giving them money. Oh I see what it looks like to me is I send them this money then the send me a letter saying just send a letter like this to others have them send you $40 and tell them to do what you just did. Great couldn't I do that without sending anyone money just to tell me this? I can save the $40 and make others pay me be to be a lazy fuck. Don't get me wrong I would love to be a lazy fuck but not when it comes to coning others. So today I earned a point for honesty and learned pay and get scam is just that a scam.

The Day That Starts Today
Mood:  suave
Now Playing: The Star of the Show
Topic: Oops I Feel
Oh my, I took the kids to school and you know what happen? I felt sad, sad I thought I would be silly happy. No, I miss those little people who call me mom. I am surprised, and in a strange way I feel good that I feel a little down about it.
Now I can start looking what to do. I know what I want to do but haven't a way to do it. What do I do in the mean time? I still wonder if my wanting to be a writer will be just a dream or if God will open this door and show me the way. I could just write a book which I have started but now thinking of something else to write. The dream is to write my thoughts on what is going on. Like a blog but one for a magazine. Who wants to read about a married women that doesn't sleep around. Any that do, do this all want that slut sleeping with one and not getting the one she wants. This may always be just a dream and that's how far it goes. So what is more really writing what someone wants you to write about? The point is I want it to be my thoughts on there topic. Do people get paid for that? I don't know much like I said a magazine is what I am wanting to work for. I know others are waiting in line for that and they have had the schooling to do that. What are my chances of being the one. I still don't use those big words that I read. I do know what I am wanting to do with my writing is becoming more clear. Now we just have to make it a fact. I guess today while I have a free day I will look on line and cross my fingers. Tomorrow I may feel lucky but today worried that my dream is just that. A dream

When a Day is Nothing More then A New Day
Mood:  on fire
Now Playing: Jenny and the Clowns
Topic: Um, Another Day
Oh how tomorrow is so far away from today. That's right tomorrow is that day all moms have been waiting for all summer. The 1st day of school, after the 1st week of summer I was ready to get them back their. I Love them and had a great time cleaning, cleaning and cleaning more. Now I am ready to take a brake from picking up the cereal, popcorn and little toys I step on when the are here 24 hours a day. In a small way I am also sad. No little people under my feet saying mom, mom, mom, mom. I am not to worried because at 3 everyday I will hear it again. Tomorrow after I take them to school I will come back here and clean my house without children under my feet. What a great feeling that is for me. I wasn't always this neat but for the last 10 years I have. I am one of those folks that when anything is out of place I can't stand it. When my house is clean I can then think. I then know what to do my mind is clear.
I will be looking for a job, a full time job. Our lease is up in November and I would like to move into a bigger house. My father is moving down here in October so I want to get a room for him. I would like to buy but we will have to see how that works. My mother is going to see what she can do to help. This is the 1st time that I am speaking to both my parents and am not mad at either if them. My dad just came in to my life 2 years ago and now he will be moving with me and starting his own business, I will work with him.
Too much going on now to get my thoughts straight. Tomorrow my thoughts will be clear, stay tune.

Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: Getting Tired of Trying
Topic: Doing It
Sometimes I wonder why I should keep trying. I mean what if once again I am wasting my time and going to get no where. That's my theme for me. I try to do anything to get better in life but it back fires and I am still stuck in this damn box. Is it even worth the effort? What is my destine? Is this fighting to get out when there is no out? It's not like I am fighting it just trying to change my world for the better. What if I am to be just this the rest of my life and God all mighty wants it that way? I feel trying is going to be a waste again, my life is already down in the books as being a nobody.
I will still try and see if this changes I don't want to quit right before this life of mine changes. I just wish I had a clue or a sign if what I am doing it right on target or not. Open the door all the way God or slam it close, just make sure it's easy enough for me to understand what your saying.

Writing or Thinking
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: Movie of the Week
Topic: Today is Another Day
Each morning another day starts. I looked on line under women freelance writers and I didn't find what I think I am looking for. It's OK it's not like I think I am going to find what I am looking for with in 24 hours. I did tarot cards the other day to see what my future holds with writing and if you believe in them then this is my path. Anytime I have looked in what I will do with my future it always points to the arts. As you know writing is a form of art. I did start writing a while back on things that have happen in my life, and trust me a lot has happen. I do have something to say. With freelance writing I do understand it's not on my topics, it's on what your boss whats. I am not sure where to go but I do think one morning I will wake up and it will just come to me.
What I want the reader to know when I tell my story is that I have done everything the hard way. Not one thing have I done right until the last 11 months. 11 months ago I guess you can say that's when life got boring to the readers. I still have 33 years of, Oh my goodness why did she do that. When things did get boring for the reader life got sweeter for me. The only thing that might not be boring to the reader is what is going to happen with my goal I have finally found. Is it even a crazy goal? Is it something that can come in to play? Do I use enough big words that the public will read. Or are these words that are my everyday word do for you and them? Is writing in circles what is in my head enough?
I have a goal and in that goal I have a wish. If I can change my life like I have then there is a small chance the wish can come true. Why not for me? Will I have to go to school for this because I am not sure how to do it the right way? Is there a wrong way?
I know my mother has taken some classes on writing not to long ago so I can ask her. I have a friend that wrote a book and she hasn't had any classes on writing and she said it's not hard at all. Here are the facts. Only God knows what I am to do and if this is it he will open the door for me. If it's not what I am to do he will hit me in the head and say no not this either. I have told my mother for many years that I know there is something I am to do and it isn't to work at 7-11. I mean there is a career out there with my name on it. I found it this feels so right. I haven't ever felt so connected with something like this before. So again time will tell. So tell me time, is this it or am I losing it.

A New Day My Way
Mood:  special
Now Playing: One Crazy Women
Topic: My Way
You know I start thinking and sometimes that can be questionable. I think about what my life means to me now, what the heck was I thinking and what can I do know to change the rest of this so called life of mine. I am ready and willing and the older I get the more aware of this I am. The thing is how do I get my foot in the door when really I am not sure what I am doing anyways. What do I want to do when I grow up is now here. How do I do it and where do I go is the problem. Can I really do anything without training? Or will I be one of the lucky ones who just get in the door. Is anyone even willing to show me the ropes or will it be another dream down the drain?
This is my life now and now it's time to go to the goal I didn't know. I made my list even check it twice but for some reason it wasn't so clear. It's clear, now what. I will tape away and keep looking till I find how to get it from a thought to a reality. I want to write, write about me mostly on different levels of my life. That's sounds OK but how many short stories can I write about just my life?
I have looked on line for this and that and now I ended here just to get the thought out in the open. Like making it more than a thought, like a truth. It's here I've started even if no one reads this and this I forget about as well as those many other things I have started and then left in cyberspace. My name is out there and I just don't know what to do with any of it.
If I wrote for a magazine like one of those Carrie things from Sex in the City I would have it made. Do they really do that or is that just T.V.? How would I even get it done. Write them and tell them this is what they want? Me and my world as I know it as some kind of crazy lady. Maybe.
I do have a story to tell and even thought writing a book sounds great to me I don't think my thoughts can be written down like that. It's more like a day to day thing. I have a lot of them but like I said no way to get that goal to a fact.
So I write in here about the daily grind of that simple goal. Maybe this is all I will end up with. No deadline no fact. Just a bunch of words typed on a blog trying to find a direction in the crazy world.